I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
