We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
