i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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