he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
