zippers are such a cool invention
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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