im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
