WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
