After last night, I could never be a politician.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
