i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Dicks are not precious.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
