Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize