someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
