all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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