i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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