whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
