a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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