On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
