They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
