So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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