how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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