why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
