I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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