Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
