i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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