Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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