we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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