All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
