I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize