forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Randomize
