I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
