The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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