I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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