woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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