My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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