when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
