haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
