This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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