he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
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