My nipple is on Facebook.
My first STD was from a foam party
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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