It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
