The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
