my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
