I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
