Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
