Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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