She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
