Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
