Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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