i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
