she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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