that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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