and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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