I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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