you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
