you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
