What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize
