dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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