we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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