An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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