I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
