My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
