she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
