Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
